Reality Check: Living for 32

I feel like this past month I have been in a deep hole of depression that quite frankly, is like something I haven’t experienced in nearly four and a half years..  I found out about 4wks ago that I didn’t pass the NC Bar Exam that I took at the end of July, after 10 grueling weeks of 12-15hr days of studying throughout the summer.  It has taken me a long time to really grasp this because throughout the past month or so, I have gone over in my mind what I could have done differently, what happened on the days of the exam that could have shaken my confidence, etc.  My mind has been constantly racing w ridiculous thoughts nonstop for the past month I honestly think Im going crazy.  Anyone who knws me knows that Im not one to dwell on what other people think of me, or their opinions abt in general but there’s something different abt this.  I have had so many feelings of embarrassment and being ashamed that I didn’t pass and I have no idea why I care so much abt what ppl think abt me not passing the bar. What baffles me so much is why I have these thoughts of what the ppl frm school are thinking.. obvi I realize that I am not on everyone;s constant thoughts but this was moreso right after I found out at the beg of Sept.. Why this is confusing to me is bc I rly wasn’t super close to a ton of ppl frm school, I had my group of close friends and that was pretty much it but idk.. I honestly haven’t felt more like a failure than the past few wks. I mean, come on—my father is a doctor, my older sister is a pharmacist (who makes 6figs, owns her own home, pretty much amazing), and my older brother is a doctor now too in his second year of his Surgery residency (both of which passed all of their licensing exams on the first try wo any problems)…I, on the other hand, took the unmentionable route in my family and went to law school (which is clearly looked down upon in my family) and I can’t even pass the bar exam. It’s pretty embarrassing in my family and kinda hard not to feel like a failure at this point..

Also over the past two (maybe even 3??) months, Ive realized who are true friends and those who are not.. clearly I am not going to call bitches out but I find it amazing how people use you for whatever they need (prime example:all of 3L yr) and then they j vanish frm your life over some immature reasons (what I presume based on past actions) but it really is surprising. I thought at this point in life people would act like adults and if there is a problem or awkwardness or issues, then come to me, don’t be some passive aggressive bitch. That is how people are cut out of my life and I have no problem at all excising all of that nonsense from my life. I have no time for that immature bullshit/drama in life.

On the other hand, I have srsly realized who I can really depend on and lean on for support during one of the lowest times in my academic/professional(?) life/career.  These people are amazing, and it isn’t that I have to talk to them everyday or see them every mothn (b/c lets be honest, I live in the hellhole that is nc and there is probs no one here I can lean on for support, other than my sister or aunt who is like a second mother).  I honestly do not know how I would have gotten through the past two months w/o my 2 bffs April and Adrienne and I hope they knw hwo special and amazing they are to me.. (I wish I was physically closer to them but hopefully if things work out, I will be back in VA for good soon)

I have pretty much j been a mess this past month…Ive desperately been tryingto lose the weight I gained at the end of the summer but all of this stress is not helping.. yesterday was the first time in about 3 months that I seriously ran and actually enjoyed it… I haven’t been sleeping at night, I probably haven’t slept the whole night since the night before the bar exam in july.. or maybe a night or two in Hawaii (obvi frm the jet lag).. and Ive been taking multiple benadryls at night or melatonin (neither 5mg nor 10mg have worked thus far) or even the supposed lovely combination benadryl AND melatonin.. Im still struggling w this but I have to be rested and in a better mental state before I start preparing for the February bar exam..

The reason prompted me to come to terms w failing the bar exam (there I said it) was that this past Sunday morning, after I returned frm Baltimore (visiting my mom’s brother/uncle who had the heart attack a few wks ago), I saw that ShowtimeHD was playing the documentary “Living for 32” that was made by Colin Goddard (a survivor frm April 16^th) and I finally felt ready to watch it and come (somewhat) face-to-face w everything that happened that day.  Watching the news footage frm that day, seeing the wind blowing on the drillfield and realizing that I was practically at Norris when I was rushed back onto the dirllfield that morning..made me jump back to reality. I was rushed back to that moment in 2007 that I decided that I am going to Live for 32.  I was going to get through that difficult and trying time and live my life for my fallen classmates and Hokies who will never again have a chance enjoy the little things or even appreciate the air that we breathe and take for granted each and every day.  I was laying in bed watching that documentary showing what happened on my campus that day and I was struck with the thoughts and feelings of how self-involved I have been the past few months.  While not passing the bar is a major setback in my professional life (no lie, the wk after I got the disappointing letter, I got 2 v. promising interviews for associate positions and I had to inform the firms that I didn’t pass and they were basically like ‘see ya’), I still have the chance to do something with my life.  Obviously I am taking the option of trying again and taking the bar again but if I do not pass, it does not mean I am forever banned from all professions, all jobs, etc.  I remembered that April 2007 where I pledged my life to live for 32 and I clearly did not keep that in mind over the past few months. I;m going up to Blacksburg this coming wkend and I hope this is exactly what will help me get me back to my old self and ready to start living for 32 again..

All of this got me thinking back to that time, April 2007, and I found me old Xanga (yeah I totes have been blogging since 2003, j on different sites) and reading my post frm 04/16/07 had all those emotions rushing back.. a few entries that helped me remember what it felt like and remember that I need to get back to forever Life for 32.

Tuesday April 24, 2007

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I am going to try and move forward from this and hold myself to Living for 32.  I will take the bar exam again. One day, I will practice law, and if not, I will find what I am meant to do in life (career-wise, etc) and I will live life fully for the 32 Hokies I will forever hold in my heart.

neVer forgeT.